Living Fully - Inside and Out

Winter is about a month away now, but I can see her peering at me today. Her gray skies and motionless trees hang above my house, and I can almost feel her. Memories of wool socks on nights spent in a cabin, fires for keeping extra warm, and walks surrounded by my own crystalized breath - they’re tapping on my shoulder. There’s something about winter that exalts the unknown. Foxes hidden in dens, the slow dying before spring, the quiet magic of a snowflake; it draws me in, yet at the same time, it scares me. My therapist recently asked how I felt about surrender, about letting life happen as it will. I quickly responded with, “Nope, uh uh. I don’t do that.” I need to know that if I can’t control a situation, I can at least control my response and therefore control the outcome or the way I am impacted by the situation. However, winter invites me to think differently. Winter, with its cold death, is somehow also beautiful. Naked trees allow me to see around and beyond them, to see what a...

Many are surprised by your beauty But I am not I did not wake up to find your light Shiny and new Did not rest easier after glimpsing treasures Rare or few No I always knew I always knew your sun was warm enough to sooth my chills And make me glad when shadows came Always knew your mountains were play places and soul spaces Testing my limits while taking them all away I grew in your colors, soft and bold Hues of quiet joy insisting on the attention of admirers The winds tried to intimidate me, but I laughed and drew in deeper breaths Arms wide open Ready for flight in that perfect, endless blue I loved you I still do Will you wait for me Wait while I think of you from the edge of a bustling city While I figure out what's next, or why I'm forever going Going going But not gone I'll come home, I promise They don't know the wild, the eternal gift of you I do I always knew Please wait, I'll come back to you

Change. I can certainly say I've seen my fair share of it. Every September since 2020 I have either moved into a new home, or relocated across the country. Almost every time I also had to switch jobs, finding temporary or permanent work in the midst of packing, unpacking, and repacking. Now it's September 2024 and I find myself settled into my home, wondering what changes might be headed my way. As I wonder, I've been reflecting on life a lot lately. More than I normally do. I read  Briefly Perfectly Human  by Alua Arthur after it was recommended to me by a friend and colleague. I highly recommend it as well, though it may be difficult to read (or helpful) if you are grieving the loss of a loved one. Without giving too much away, Arthur is a trained Death Doula who assists families with end-of-life planning and support. You can see now why this book would have me deep-thinking about life. The book wasn't morbid, though. Instead, it was an honest invitation for me to con...